For those of you following our blog; you may have also been following Heather’s pregnancy. Well… for those of you than may not know, for reasons unknown, we lost our beautiful baby boy. Julian passed away just hours before he was born. He was born at 6:19pm on April 21, 2008; he was 6 pounds and 8 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was the most perfect and magnificent baby I have ever seen. He had Heathers chin and the same fat cheeks that all the Stewart kids had. He also had my short, fat fingers, common in the Ashworth family (thanks Grandpa) and unlucky for Heather, he also had my enormous head (that was full of black hair from both families).
Soon after we were told about what was to become out darkest day, in a deepening depression, I started thinking about how I had almost become a father and about how I had almost had a son. As I descended deeper into my misery I started to call my family. I called by baby sister Laura (who has two beautiful children of her own) to tell her what had happened. Not long after telling her, she said something that quite literally changed my perspective, in fact, what she said changed my life. She said, in her simple and innocent way “He will forever be your son.” It was at that moment that I realized she was right; I hadn’t almost become a father, I had become a father. I didn’t almost have a son, I did have a son. Regardless of how things turned out I am a father and nobody can take that away from me. This realization was like a small light in a very dark time. I can’t thank you enough, Laura. Your words helped me more than I could ever express. Thank you again. I love you very much.
I also want to thank my other little sister Megan. Every time I talk to her she has never referred to my son as “the baby”. She always calls him Julian, and every time she does I know my son was real person, and that means a tremendous amount to me. Thank you Megan, from me heart of hearts, thank you.
There is one more person I need to thank publicly. Bob. (There are many, many, other people to thank but I need to thank them privately.) Bob has been my best friend for about 10 years now. Bob is a mans man, crude and rude with a twisted sense of humor and was able to make me laugh (at least smile) at times when I never again thought I would. Thank you Bob. (I know it’s not manly but your friendship means the world to me. I love you, dude)
I also want to express my deep appreciation to the national organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) who, for no charge, sent professional photographers to the hospital to take tasteful, tender, gentle and beautiful photographs of our precious baby boy. No words can express the gratitude I have for these people and this organization. It may be a while before I can look at the photos but there is no doubt in my mind that what they have done for my family will help us to heal. So please, if you are looking for a charity to donate to you would be hard pressed to find a better one that this.
Let me finally just say to anyone reading this, if you’re a parent, the next time you give your child his goodnight kiss; kiss him one more time. The next time you give him a hug; hold him for just a few seconds longer and squeeze him just a little tighter. The next time he draws on your nice tan couch with a big red crayon or screams at the top of his lungs while your on the phone long distance or the next time he stares you down with those big blue eyes and with that defiant tone in his voice says “NO” or the next time your child starts to drive you to pull your hair out with that incessant none -stop chatter and the “Why? Why? Why?” Take it easy, Just look at them and smile and understand that there are people out there (and I am one) that would gladly give their lives even sell their souls for just one chance, just one opportunity to experience that wonderful, delightful aggravation that only your own child can give you.
Thank you for your love, thoughts and prayers. Knowing that you’re with us, in this, the darkest of dark times truly, truly helps.
The proud father forever,
Scott
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11 comments:
I sit here with tears streaming down my face, amazed at how strong you are. I love you and Heather both. Know that not a moment goes by that I do not think of you and your sweet, sweet Julian.
Scott,
That is so sweet. you are the best father ever and I know Julian loves you and wishes he could give you a big hug too and I know that some day he will. Give Heather our love as well, Love Darby
Scott and Heather,
Just wanted you to know that my family is thinking of you and yours. All three of you are in our prayers.
danielle and tony
Scott and Heather,
I have thought of you often over the past few days, and shutter to think... I admire the people you are and will become, to endure this kind of challenge. I pray for your family often. Keep your heads high and hearts full. From one proud Father to another, no calling is more rewarding! Love,Jeff
Hey Scott,
I've tried leaving a comment on here but it keeps turning into more of an email. So I'm just going to email you. There are prayers for you, silent and vocal, down in Arizona.
Scott & Heather -
As soon as I found out I started to cry. I was so sad for you guys. Julian will always be your baby. We all love him and you guys very much. You are always in my thoughts. Remember that families can be together forever.
Love,
Chayden
While I was Bishop I had the opportunity to speak in two funerals, both of them were little baby's. The following is a portion of one of those talks. The names are changed but the message is the same.
"The death of child is especially poignant. There is probably no greater Gethsemane for saint or sinner.
Scott and Heather, you may weep because Julian’s early exit prevents you from sharing the accomplishments of this life - his first day of kindergarten, his first date, his marriage. Your hearts will ache for the grandchildren you would have loved, their births and marriages. These events have not been taken from him or you, only delayed for a short season.
For him, the pain and suffering most of us will know have been canceled. He will not experience what you are enduring right now. He will not see himself grow old. The negative experiences of life have been waived, but he will still have the privilege of participating in the positive experiences. Therefore, you need not feel sorrow for him. He is with those HE has known who have already passed through the veil. He is with those whom YOU have known and love, and whom he has never met. He has already made new friends. He is well and happy.
The sorrow you feel is for yourselves and for those who are left behind, all of whom will join him one-by-one -- some perhaps in months, others in years or decades.
One of the reasons the Savior suffered in Gethsemane was so that he would have infinite compassion for us as we experience our trials and tribulations. Through his suffering in Gethsemane, he became qualified to be the perfect judge.
It is because of the Savior’s atoning sacrifice and resurrection that Julian is an automatic heir to the Celestial Kingdom. The Prophet Joseph Smith received this revelation in the temple at Kirkland Ohio and it is recorded in the 137 Section of the D&C.
“The heavens were opened upon us and I beheld the Celestial Kingdom of God, and the glory thereof…I saw the transcendent beauty of the gate through which the heirs of that kingdom will enter, which was like unto circling flames of fire; also the blazing throne of God whereon was seated the Father and the Son.
I saw the beautiful streets of the kingdom, which had the appearance of being paved with gold… And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the Celestial Kingdom of heaven.”
In an old stone church graveyard in New Jersey, an infant’s tombstone was found with this inscription, “The Crown without the Conflict.”
Little Julian has received the crown without the conflict.
Scott and Heather, you have been assured, because of the resurrection of the Savior, That Julian will be resurrected just as he was when he left you. You will have the privilege of holding his tiny body again in your arms, to see his bright little eyes, to kiss his little wiggly toes. He will be yours to raise to full stature and to experience every wonderful experience that a mother and father can have with a child. Be strengthen and comforted by Him who has promised “I will not leave you comfortless.”
Dad
Scott & Heather
I am so very sad for your heavy loss and your empty arms. Julian Evan Simon is a special boy that has left an impression on many hearts. You will not ever be the same as you were before his conception; he will always and forever be a part of your life. Your perfect son is your connection with heaven and earth. He will always be a son, nephew, cousin and grandson. My family and I will pray for you to feel comfort. Love, Judy
I cryed for you today and have never met you. I'm sorry for your tremendous loss, our prayers will for sure be with you!
Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel" on you tube:
http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=22914
I have debated commenting as my heart aches and I do not personally know you. But I am a friend of your sister Laura's and I cried when I read the news. It took me back to the day when we found out our sweet daughter had passed. I know how difficult a time this is for you and your wife. I would love to talk about Julian with you if you'd ever like to share. I belong to a wonderful group called Share. If you would like my info please ask Laura for it. If there is one thing I can leave with you, "Time doesn't neccessarily heal all pain, it's love...love is what will get you through this!"
Holly Strong
In memory of Addison Mckell
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