A Fathers Grief

For those of you following our blog; you may have also been following Heather’s pregnancy. Well… for those of you than may not know, for reasons unknown, we lost our beautiful baby boy. Julian passed away just hours before he was born. He was born at 6:19pm on April 21, 2008; he was 6 pounds and 8 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was the most perfect and magnificent baby I have ever seen. He had Heathers chin and the same fat cheeks that all the Stewart kids had. He also had my short, fat fingers, common in the Ashworth family (thanks Grandpa) and unlucky for Heather, he also had my enormous head (that was full of black hair from both families).

Soon after we were told about what was to become out darkest day, in a deepening depression, I started thinking about how I had almost become a father and about how I had almost had a son. As I descended deeper into my misery I started to call my family. I called by baby sister Laura (who has two beautiful children of her own) to tell her what had happened. Not long after telling her, she said something that quite literally changed my perspective, in fact, what she said changed my life. She said, in her simple and innocent way “He will forever be your son.” It was at that moment that I realized she was right; I hadn’t almost become a father, I had become a father. I didn’t almost have a son, I did have a son. Regardless of how things turned out I am a father and nobody can take that away from me. This realization was like a small light in a very dark time. I can’t thank you enough, Laura. Your words helped me more than I could ever express. Thank you again. I love you very much.

I also want to thank my other little sister Megan. Every time I talk to her she has never referred to my son as “the baby”. She always calls him Julian, and every time she does I know my son was real person, and that means a tremendous amount to me. Thank you Megan, from me heart of hearts, thank you.

There is one more person I need to thank publicly. Bob. (There are many, many, other people to thank but I need to thank them privately.) Bob has been my best friend for about 10 years now. Bob is a mans man, crude and rude with a twisted sense of humor and was able to make me laugh (at least smile) at times when I never again thought I would. Thank you Bob. (I know it’s not manly but your friendship means the world to me. I love you, dude)

I also want to express my deep appreciation to the national organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) who, for no charge, sent professional photographers to the hospital to take tasteful, tender, gentle and beautiful photographs of our precious baby boy. No words can express the gratitude I have for these people and this organization. It may be a while before I can look at the photos but there is no doubt in my mind that what they have done for my family will help us to heal. So please, if you are looking for a charity to donate to you would be hard pressed to find a better one that this.

Let me finally just say to anyone reading this, if you’re a parent, the next time you give your child his goodnight kiss; kiss him one more time. The next time you give him a hug; hold him for just a few seconds longer and squeeze him just a little tighter. The next time he draws on your nice tan couch with a big red crayon or screams at the top of his lungs while your on the phone long distance or the next time he stares you down with those big blue eyes and with that defiant tone in his voice says “NO” or the next time your child starts to drive you to pull your hair out with that incessant none -stop chatter and the “Why? Why? Why?” Take it easy, Just look at them and smile and understand that there are people out there (and I am one) that would gladly give their lives even sell their souls for just one chance, just one opportunity to experience that wonderful, delightful aggravation that only your own child can give you.

Thank you for your love, thoughts and prayers. Knowing that you’re with us, in this, the darkest of dark times truly, truly helps.

The proud father forever,
Scott

Really Big Rats

We have a few stray cats at our office on Military Cutoff and a few of the techs always set ot food for them. The other day I was working with one of those techs and about an hour after she set out the food, I looked at the CCTV (security camera) and say something that didn't quite look like any of the stray cats. I went to take a look and this is what I saw.

I see them as road kill out here in Leland all the time. This is the only live possum that I've seen. quite literally these are just very large rats (want one Chayden?) I thought you would enjoy the photos.

The 2008 Azalea Festival

Here are some photos of Wilmington, NC's famous Azalea Festival. Please take note of the complete and utter lack of Azaleas. in addition to the tacky art work (see below) there was a whole street (about 4 blocks) of nothing but fried food (funnel cakes, turkey legs, okra and other veggies, and about anything else you can stick in a deep fryer) and 5 dollar lemonades.

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Wilmington in Bloom

Our yard is bursting with flowers, flowering bushes, and flowering trees. The entire Cape Fear region is quite a sight. Scott took these beautiful photos. The flowers below are wisteria. It grows as a vine up into trees. The roads are lined with extremely tall pine trees that have wisteria winding all the way up.


Below is some sort of flowering tree in our yard. We don't know what it is, but we also have a plum tree and a peach tree (both in bloom), and a few dogwood trees that are entirely covered in white blossoms.

More azaleas. You can see that they come in a variety of colors from white to almost purple. The azalea bushes completely encircle our back yard, and they are also planted in front of our house and along the drive. Our landlord keeps these bushes trimmed very tightly. Most of the older houses in the downtown area let them grow almost wild -- they are just big, bushy mounds of flowers. Just about every house in the area has them, so flowers are everywhere right now.