Things We Hate About the N.C.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m really happy in our new home. But a few things about the Tar Heel state make me long for the more-familiar quirks of Salt Lake City (i.e., getting carded when buying coffee).

Keep in mind, I am taking my life into my hands in publishing this list on the Wide World of the Web. North Carolinians are extremely hostile towards outsiders (damn Yankees!) who move to their state and then try to change things. (Never mind that we’re Westerners… if you’re not from the South, you’re a Yankee.)

* The aforementioned “Us vs. the damn Yankees” mentality. If you don’t want them here, stop selling them your land.

* The locked-tight-as-Fort-Knox public schools. Seriously? I can’t even walk on the track?

* The large, off-leash dog in every yard. Ever tried walking a petrified 14 lb. terrier through a neighborhood full of irate pit bulls and Dobermans?

* The amused dog owners who assure me that “he’s friendly” while Killer decides to see what terrier tastes like.

* The year-round humidity that makes 75 degrees feel like 90 (and 40 degrees feel like 28).

* The wide variety of insect life, all of which thirsts for human blood. Scott’s in particular.

* The single bridge that connects Leland (our little town) to the thriving metropolis of Wilmington. The single drawbridge, which, when raised or blocked by a not-infrequent traffic accident, causes traffic to back up for a good 10 miles.

* Fried food. It’s not that I have anything against fried food in general, but can’t you put at least one salad on the menu? Just one?

* Jaywalking. It’s pretty much legal here, so driving the city streets is a white-knuckle adventure in dodging wandering pedestrians (or not, depending on how bad a day you’ve had).